|Not sure how to proceed, what's the etiquette ?
||[Nov. 22nd, 2012|10:11 am]
Monogamous and Polyamorous Lovers
I've been poly all my life, but suppressed it during most of my marriage. That marriage is now in the past, and I'm moving on with my life. I have made some really dear friends that are poly (some of them are on lj, and might frequent this community, which is why I created a fake account for this question).|
Here's my dilemma. I am doing work on being more honest with myself, and this week I decided to figure out what I would have, relationshipwise, if I was making the decisions. In other words, if I wasn't just letting life happen and being too shy to have any relationship (which has been the case since my marriage fell apart) who would I pursue? It was a very healing exercise, and I want to push myself to at least explore some of these relationships, to see if anything could come from them.
The dilemma is that the two women I am most interested in are both involved already. They are both friends of mine, and are people I have been attracted too for quite some time, but I hid it because, at first, I thought it was disloyalty, and later, I was afraid of losing the friendship. Now that I am willing to take the risk of opening up the discussion (both are in LTR, and both are polyfolk. They do not know each other), who do I talk to first? I am good friends with both they and their partners, because it's about the relationship first and the sex second, for me. I'm straight only, so far, so I'm not interested in changing my relationship with the men in their lives (I still want to be the kind of friend that can hang out and discuss anything for hours on end, because we like it) but I want to know whether it would be more appropriate to talk to the men first or the women.
Issues as I see it. First off, I am talking about changing things with the women. That would imply I should talk to the women. They are the principles, they are the ones I want to spend quality naked time with, and they are the ones, that would have to have a reciprocal interest in me for this to matter, anyway.
Second, did you catch that I am shy? I have asked a couple of friends out in the last couple of years. Most of them haven't spoken to me since, and the only one who did put me in firmly in the friend zone so early in the process that nothing else could happen (still better than the alternative). Asking the SO (husband in one case, boyfriend in the other) first would really be me testing the waters, to see if I have the proverbial snowball's chance in Orlando of this moving forward, thus possibly saving everyone some embarrassment.
Whichever order I talk to them in, I need to talk to them both before I commit, because they are in LTRs and I won't step into that without everyone being aware of what's happening. I know some poly relationships have room for hidden sex on the side, but I don't want to be part of that type of family.
TL:DR when initiating a new relationship with a poly friend, is it better to talk to her SO first?