Drama drama drama

OMFG... Last night's text messages were epic. The short version is, I met someone new, and had a very nice lunch date. Shortly after that, I met her OSO, and he was completely cool about it. Three days later, he flips out -- threats to leave, unreasonable demands, accusations of lying... To me, stepping into a messed up situation is a nightmare scenario. She says this isn't typical. They're not new at this (I hope I'm not too far off topic here), and he has a GF on the side. I still don't know what happened, but I think I'm going to back off for a teensy bit... *HEADDESK*
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Not sure how to proceed, what's the etiquette ?

I've been poly all my life, but suppressed it during most of my marriage.  That marriage is now in the past, and I'm moving on with my life. I have made some really dear friends that are poly (some of them are on lj, and might frequent this community, which is why I created a fake account for this question).
Here's my dilemma.  I am doing work on being more honest with myself, and this week I decided to figure out what I would have, relationshipwise, if I was making the decisions.  In other words, if I wasn't just letting life happen and being too shy to have any relationship (which has been the case since my marriage fell apart) who would I pursue? It was a very healing exercise, and I want to push myself to at least explore some of these relationships, to see if anything could come from them.

The dilemma is that the two women I am most interested in are both involved already.  They are both friends of mine, and are people I have been attracted too for quite some time, but I hid it because, at first, I thought it was disloyalty, and later, I was afraid of losing the friendship.  Now that I am willing to take the risk of opening up the discussion (both are in LTR, and both are polyfolk.  They do not know each other), who do I talk to first?  I am good friends with both they and their partners, because it's about the relationship first and the sex second, for me.  I'm straight only, so far, so I'm not interested in changing my relationship with the men in their lives (I still want to be the kind of friend that can hang out and discuss anything for hours on end, because we like it) but I want to know whether it would be more appropriate to talk to the men first or the women.
Issues as I see it.  First off, I am talking about changing things with the women.  That would imply I should talk to the women.  They are the principles, they are the ones I want to spend quality naked time with, and they are the ones, that would have to have a reciprocal interest in me for this to matter, anyway.
Second, did you catch that I am shy?  I have asked a couple of friends out in the last couple of years.  Most of them haven't spoken to me since, and the only one who did put me in firmly in the friend zone so early in the process that nothing else could happen (still better than the alternative).  Asking the SO (husband in one case, boyfriend in the other) first would really be me testing the waters, to see if I have the proverbial snowball's chance in Orlando of this moving forward, thus possibly saving everyone some embarrassment.
Whichever order I talk to them in, I need to talk to them both before I commit, because they are in LTRs and I won't step into that without everyone being aware of what's happening.  I know some poly relationships have room for hidden sex on the side, but I don't want to be part of that type of family.

TL:DR when initiating a new relationship with a poly friend, is it better to talk to her SO first?

Some sexual content

I have been completely oversexed and distracted lately, but this post isn't all about sex.

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Thanks to everyone who may be reading along and commenting on my adventure, and I am sorry by anyone who was offended by my use of the term "sex worker" in my first post to describe Joanna - that's just how she describes her profession and I didn't think twice about it.  

Dating multiple people with honesty and respect can be challenging and I have found a lot of perspective in online forums throughout my life so I'm glad to be using this as a journal and will soon be switching away from If something especially crazy happens I'll totally post here again. 
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Internal Tug-of-War

WARNING: Complicated and may include rambling. My apologizes in advance.

I was in a marriage to my best friend for almost 13 years. For several years it came undone and attempts were made to fix it. During the fallout of my marriage (in which I still loved him but we were just incompatibile) I had a few online infatuations. The last one became an actual real life relationship. The guy ended up splitting with me. I became confused because I felt love for my husband and other people.

Then I met S. We had briefly met three years ago and reconnected online. We fell in love. From the beginning I knew he was poly. At that time he was engaged to C and living with both her and M. Him and C got married the same time we started dating. I began to wonder whether I was poly too,and unsure. I realize now that I was going through a transition between starting a relationship and painfully ending a marriage. When I fall,I fall so hard I don't want anybody else. my feelings changed to friendship with my ex-husband,eventually.

Anyways,after 8 months together I moved in with S and C. By this time S and M had broken up. From the beginning C felt very jealous and hostile towards me. We tried getting along but in the end she resented me...even when she was "queen bee" and dictated our schedule with S. It became more and more painful living with a partner who had another one. I became emotionally unpredictable and started becoming a problem drinker. Not only was life hell for me but I was making it that way for S and C. I moved out after almost a year living there. Me and S have continued to be together. I see him on Saturday and for dinner once during the week. We are now just about to start having me overnight on Friday and spend the day on Saturday until C gets home from work. Thing is,I continue to be tormented. We love each other like husband and wife. We have this bond that is as strong as metal,but this is the best it will ever get. I want to be able to be happy with that and let go of my needs to have a domestic life with him. He still wants me to live with them and holds on to hope that it will happen. This has been difficult for both of us. However,it has been a constant state of anxiety and pain for me. Our time together is unbelievably happy. I have been trying to focus on other things that make me happy. I have a daughter I adore. I have my photography. He is constantly in the back of my mind and everyday is a reminder of what I have to do without to be with him. Life only happens for us once. I don't want it to be without him,but it can't be agonizing the times I am alone. How to balance?

Time for something uplifting.

It's inevitable that in a comm such as this the majority of post deal with bad times and fears and that is okay. We all have fears and problems of varying degrees, which we seek input to from those alike in mind. But surely it's not all doom and gloom all the time?

Which are your happy moments in your relationship(s)? What are your hopes and dreams for it/them?

For my own part, I love to watch my partner and my metamours together in any situation, provided they too are happy and content. My hopes and dreams are all about growth and an increasingly easy and warm closeness.

Come on, spread the love! I know you can.
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Being poly in a mono relationship

Hey crew. I've got a question for you, hoping you might have some advice. I'm a poly male who has been in a handful of relationships that were always poly (I was usually the crux of the V).
But recently, I've been wondering what it would be like to be in a mono relationship and not feel repressed somehow. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how to manage being polyamorous in a monogamous relationship? Obviously, a great deal of it will depend on the partner and the relationship dynamic, but are there any tricks/techniques/what have you to still feeling like you've expressed your feelings without crossing the monogamy boundary?

Others? Oh, right - them.

Hi, there. *waves* Have lurked a while. First time poster.

I'm mono and have been in relationship with poly boyfriend for more than a year. I've also met and befriended one of his other girls - B. Then there's two-three others, whom I don't have any "tabs" on.

I've realised that, aside from B, I've never really thought a lot about the other women. Kinda forgotten about them because I don't interact with them, nor have I met them(?). I know they're there, but they're also so far removed from my daily life that they might as well be fiction. Know what I mean? Or you could look at it like this: we're all sitting in a big room. B and I sit close at the same table and the others are waaaaay across at random spots ( so it's like they don't really count) and our boy is somewhere in the middle. Saw photo of M yesterday and was kinda...blank, sort of... Like "oh right, I forgot about them". No jealousy, no nothing, really.

Have you or your partners experienced this? I don't know..feels a little bit weird, I guess.

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